As I warned you all, I’m in packing-and-moving mode these days and haven’t been keeping up with the blog. Fortunately, some fantastic readers have been willing to write guest posts. Today, we hear from Maria of One Sharp Broad about her experiences dating as a fat chick in San Francisco.
I’ve been lurking in the fat-os-phere for quite some time now and am de-lurking after the slew of lovely posts on dating & sex as a fat lady that came up two months ago but I wanted to respond as someonevwhose main problem hasn’t been really lack of dudes, but rather to many.
I write a sex and dating blog, but the issue of being fat has never really come up. I haven’t yet “come out” as a fat person, although it’s pretty apparent to everyone around me that I am, in online personal ad parlance, a “BBW”. I like to think that I am fat in a socially acceptable way; if such a thing even exists. If I make avcomment about my weight, an ex-lover would say: “Oh no, you are not FAT, like THOSE OTHER people. You are curvy/vuloptous/etc.” So you know, you are fat, but in this totally adorable way that’s totally
non-threatening! But still, people are always surprised to find out about the multiple notches on my bedpost, and I’m willing to bet that if I were a size 6 instead of a 16, that wouldn’t be such a surprise.
I’m probably one of 10 people on this earth who went to a liberal arts college and didn’t actually have sex with anyone there. And it wasn’t for lack of trying: I never missed a party and knew tons of people but men always put me in the dreaded “friend zone” (it exists for women, too believe me!). I was a drinking buddy and my straightforward way of discussing sex made straight men like hanging out with me, but never actually want to you know, do it with me.
I would have to play the game a little differently. I would have to use the Internet to get laid. When I moved to San Francisco in 2002 when I was 20, I learned how to online date with the best of them, starting with Nerve.Com and then moving on to sleazy Craigslist. I started sleeping with this beautiful, gorgeous man I had met on Nerve who had never seen my picture before meeting me. But while I loved being with him, I couldn’t help but feel that he slept with me despit what I looked like rather than because he was attracted to me. Anothe person I briefly hooked up with told me that if I just went jogging every single day for weeks and stopped eating carbs, that I could look just like the girls in the porno clips he would send me (nothing but class on Nerve.Com). Of course, he didn’t think I was too fat to blow him, but that is neither here nor there. Needless to say, I did not see that gentleman again.
I never put what my size was in any of my ads, waiting to rope them in with my charming “personality” and then console them with the fact that I had a large rack. I would read through ads of guys who would specifically advertise for larger women and I was terrified of them; what kind of man actually WANTED a fat girl? Can’t they see what I look like?
The first guy that gave me a clue that someone could actually truly desire my big ass body was a guy I met off a CL “casual encounters” ad. He came over to my place and sat directly in front of me, eye level with my stomach. I was terrified of what he could possibly be thinking as he took me in. I was shocked when he looked up at me, hugged my legs and said “I really love your legs, they are so thick and beautiful”. And then there was the UC Berkeley PhD student who wouldn’t stop rambling about my “awesome figure” during our sushi date. Or the vegan software engineer I dated who leaned across from me in a crowded gay bar after we took shots of Sambuca and whispered in my ear: “You’re basically perfect.”
When I expressed the usual self deprecating humor that so frequently comes along with fatness before I met my dates, to “warn them” (I’m not sure exactly what I was warning them of, I was only a person and it wasn’t like I was going to INFECT them with my size 16 ass), I found that most of the time men were pretty forgiving or even complimentary.
I’ve made out with all types of dudes: dudes whose pants probably barely fit my wrists they were so skinny. And through it all what I learned was that for the most part, the person who had the most problems with my body was me. That’s not to say I haven’t had any unpleasant run-ins in my slutty life: I found the blog of someone I slept with a year later where he complained about how “overweight” I was (then why come back for seconds, dude!?) and another time, I had someone respond to a personal ad, not knowing it was me, and then write about our previous date, in which he too complained about how fat I was, despite spending hours making out with me all over the city.
And despite the fact that I’m very comfortable with both my body and my sex life, I still get nervous when it’s time to get naked: what if he finds out I’m fat now!? But I do the best I can. These days, I take a different approach to online dating, I want someone who thinks fat women are sexy, who like big asses and soft tummies and tits for days. I want someone who’ll look at me and see me and want me, not just look through it and have sex with me because I am available or because they will feel bad if they don’t.