man update: wtf?

This weekend brought surprising updates from both Writer Guy and Zen Master. In short, the situation is this: Zen Master, out. Writer Guy, in?

The Zen Master situation is shorter and sweeter: he met someone else. Good for him. Seriously, I never even met him in person, so this is not at all upsetting. In fact, I’m intrigued by his online dating strategy. He told me that he doesn’t like to date more than one person at once, period. He’s been on one date with another woman, and as a result doesn’t want to go out with me until he knows how that situation will play out.

Which leads me to Writer Guy. I think I made a mistake with him. You know how I’m horribly out of practice with this whole dating thing? I really don’t know what the generally accepted time frames are for relationship progression. (I know, I know, time frames schmime frames, but I at least want to know the rules before I break them, right?) By the time it ended with Writer Guy, we’d been seeing each other for around five weeks. I think, in an effort to seem cool, I held him at too much of a distance, given the amount of time we were spending together. You know when I decided to keep my options open? He saw my new ad on datingcurves.com. I’m guessing the message he got from that was less “She’s really into me and is keeping her options open so she doesn’t act too much like an idiot,” and more “She’s looking for something better.” Yeah, I know, in order to see my ad he had to be on the site too. But my point is not that it was wrong for me to put the ad up there – it wasn’t – but that I think doing that gave him the wrong impression.

Ok, but that’s not even the point. I’m just musing on my own failings, one of my favorite lines of thought. Here’s what I really wanted to say about Writer Guy:

I had written off Writer Guy early last week, after he (almost) stood me up for a non-date. I’d sent him a cranky e-mail saying that I understood he was going through some tough stuff and if he wanted me to be there for him during it I was more than willing, but that I wouldn’t stand for being jerked around. Until yesterday there was silence on his end, which is what I expected. But then I get an email from him, deeply apologetic, that includes a link to a video on YouTube about the chemistry of love.*

What. The. Hell. I just can’t figure him out. Everything he is doing says to me that he’s not interested – including, uh, his expressly saying that he wants to take a break while he works out this big thing he’s going through – but then he throws in these curve balls. Why on earth does he want me to watch a video about dopamine and serotonin and whatnot? What am I supposed to ascertain from this message?

*Not linking to it, because it reveals some things that aren’t mine to reveal. Sorry to be so cloak and dagger!

*Oh, and: No, we never got close to the L-word.

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7 responses to “man update: wtf?

  1. AHHHH MEN. I feel your frustration!

    My first instinct, unfortunately, is that you’re still being jerked around. He doesn’t want to get too serious (which is why he bailed last week), but he wants to keep you around. And depending on how and when he revealed to you that he’d seen your other personal ad, he may be just trying to make you feel guilty about it (because, like you said, he was obviously on there as well.)

    I mean, it’s possible he IS just really focused on whatever it is he’s dealing with. It’s hard to say without knowing the details, but guys really can be kind of ‘one mind one focus’, and genuinely find it hard to give any attention to someone else when they’re dealing with something big.

    But that said, both the datingcurves thing and the youtube thing both seem kind of manipulative to me. :( :(

  2. Oh heck yes!!! I was just thinking how there needed to be a site like this. Consider yourself linked and know that you’ve got a new fan here!

  3. I agree with andrea’s observations, sweetie. I’d be really careful. I’ve dated a rollercoaster-mood guy, on one moment and on the next, and he definitely did bring up the “l”-word (similarly as WG did here, out of context but bringing it into the picture nonetheless first), and he started snooping around all my personal sites and making various criticisms.

    I think you need to forthright with him and simply say exactly what you were doing, and that if he wants to date “more seriously” then you should both take down your dating profiles in various places to see how it goes with each other for a while.

    If he’s not willing, I’d say call this one a wash and move on. He doesn’t sound very open with his thoughts/attitudes towards the relationship/you, so I’d move on. Seriously. I’ve seen this pattern before.

    On ZG: good for him. Sounds open and honest, and sounds like he’s really looking for a real relationship. For your sake, I’m hoping he comes back on the market! :)

  4. Cranky Phone Guy

    Man, that sucks. I might be able to offer some male insight. If such a thing exists.

    If he’s not intentionally laying the manipulative Machiavellian relationship moves on you, he’s as socially inept as waffles at IHOP. Either way, if he’s manipulating you, obviously that’s bad. And if he’s truly such a dating dillhole that he called fifteen minutes before to cancel (not even to give YOU the option to cancel because he was sick ), he’s an irreparable wank.

    What kind of emotional Samsonite is he lugging around when he pulls this kind of crap at the beginning of a relationship, when it’s supposed to be all sunshine and butterflies? And is it likely to get better or worse once he feels comfortable enough around you to let you see his ugly side? Remember; this is him at his best. This is how he presents himself to the world when he’s trying to find someone. Egad.

    Anyway, you’ve got a great blog here. Keep the posts coming!

  5. I agree with everyone, especially BigLiberty. You need to be really clear, and he should be too. Didn’t I say he’d come flittin’ on back and shed some more flakiness upon your loveliness?! What Cranky Phone Guy said is really something to think about–I’m going to think about it too– and a great rule of thumb.

    He is old enough to know that the only thing that should be manipulated are backs, not people!

  6. Hey, this is great. It is so damn helpful to get perspective from other people!

    An important clarification: Writer Guy and I are NOT back together. He still wants to back off until he deals with his stuff. So any discussion of what happens next is purely theoretical.

  7. Great. Trust me, when a guy says, “I’m not ready to date/be in a relationship/be committed,” he means it! Not that you were looking for a commitment, but if WG can’t even handle dating — you might be better off.

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