on not being so different from everyone else (why I’m writing this blog)

I started this blog for entirely selfish reasons: I wanted to force myself back into dating, explore fat acceptance and feminism, and get in some writing practice while I was at it.

But as I’ve been doing it? I’ve found a community that matters to me. I’m grateful for be a part of it, and I’ve been doing some thinking about what it is that I can contribute. Who, besides myself, am I writing this for? (As my writing teachers would say, with more than a little aggravation: Who is your audience? That and My god, woman, have you heard of editing?)

My answer: I’m writing this for women like me (see? still basically selfish), who are or have been afraid to jump into the dating pool… either because we’re fat, or because we’re using our fat as an excuse to avoid something else scary or risky or ugly.* I want to demonstrate that fat women (tee hee! I just typed “fart women” by mistake, but that’s a whole different blog) have sex lives and romantic lives just like everyone else: some of us are in good long-term relationships, some of us are in unhappy long-term relationships, some of us sleeping with men and women we shouldn’t be sleeping with, some of us are not sleeping with the men and women we wished we were sleeping with, some of us have never been on a date, some of us are gleefully playing the field, some of us are too scared to make a move.

As for me, I’ve been all of these things are one point or another. Fifteen years ago, I had never been on a date. Ten years ago, I was in a happy long-term relationship. Five years ago, I was not sleeping with a man I wished I was sleeping with. Right now, I’m somewhere in between “playing the field” and “too scared to make a move”. So I’m going to keep pushing myself and hope that some of the folks who are reading this will do the same. I’d love to hear your stories, too.

Note: I do NOT mean to say that fat is ugly. I’m not even talking about physicality, here, but rather the ugly things about ourselves that we’d rather the rest of the world not see.


6 responses to “on not being so different from everyone else (why I’m writing this blog)

  1. I giggled out loud at “fart woman.”

  2. I wonder if there is something on farting women. No one talks about the reality that is gas. :-P

    Anyway, I for one am thrilled to death that you are writing this blog. It gives me hope with dating as a fat woman. Reading about your experiences and how you deal with situations helps me to keep things in perspective and positive.

    I too have been trying to put myself out there, but so far, VERY little luck. It is terribly, terribly discouraging. I live in NYC where it seems like every woman is a size 4 or under. Being an African American who likes to wear my hair naturally (go locs!) seems to work against me as well. As personals ads go, when I write one without my picture, I get tons of responses. But as soon as I put one up, the silence is deafening. I once became extremely thin accidentally due to illness, and I got a great deal of attention. The only difference I can see between now and then is that I am heavier. I almost want to stop trying because I feel like I have to shrink considerably from my size 16 self before I am “acceptable” to date.

    Man, I didn’t really want to write such a bummer post, but I guess I needed to rant. Sorry to do it on your blog though.

  3. Bummer posts are perfectly acceptable. And even before I read yours, I wanted to say this: It’s great to see your picture – and you are GORGEOUS.

    The low response rate to personal ads is something I’ve been meaning to write about, too. It’s frustrating to talk about with my not-fat friends. When I put an ad up on salon.com recently, a not-fat friend said something like “Oh, man, they’re going to go crazy, you’ll get tons of messages, they love fresh meat.” And… one response, in three months. It’s killer for the self-esteem.

  4. Aww shucks! Thank you. 8-)

    Someone told me that the ratio of women to men on personal sites is really high, like 10 to 1. Do you or anyone else know if that’s true? But heck, how else do you meet these dudes???

  5. F.G.O.A.D.–I’m so glad you are here and are brave enough to do this blog. I’m a fat woman who dates and it is a strange world. A world that most thinner women don’t understand…and it’s one of the very few things that makes me question my fat acceptance stance. I’ve dated when I was a 5’3” size 14 and I’m dating now at a 22/24 (and everywhere in between). Both were tough but this is the toughest I’ve had it. I’ve been loved by multiple men, proposed to seriously twice, and had lots of sex (some with appropriate people, some not so much!)–all while fat. It is possible. Sometimes the hunt is demoralizing. Sometimes the process tries to suck out your soul and yet I sincerely believe it is worth it. I believe that I will find a partner, someone with whom I can share this amazing life I’ve created. And sometimes the process is actually fun, sometimes you meet great people, sometimes you get hilarious stories out of it (maybe I’ll share some with you here at some point), sometimes you learn something about yourself that you never knew.

    MizBig, I hear you! I’m in LA. If you think NYC is tough you should try living in this world of plastic people! They’re size 0 or 00 here. I’m 3 times as big as many of them, and yet I still find men who revel in my body. Men who think I’m hot and want to spend their time with me. I know they’re in NYC too cuz I met a few when I was there last summer. One particular firefighter comes to mind….YUMMY! You’re going to find them. Size 16 is soooo sexy! Your picture is gorgeous and your hair is beautiful. There will be men who will see that. Are there as many as there are for the thin girls? Nope, but that saves us from weeding out some of the jerks.

    I definitely believe that ratio is true on the fat girl dating sites. If you look at the new members it’s pretty clear. But I’m with you on not knowing where else to meet the mens. I work in an almost all female industry, go to school in the same industry and though I enjoy the bar scene I don’t find it too fruitful for meeting quality guys.

    Wow, didn’t mean to write a book but this site has really triggered something for me.

  6. And I didn’t mean to be so ruthlessly optimistic MizBig. I hope that doesn’t come off as judgemental or a denial of the hard truths of which you wrote. I’ve definitely had times I needed to rant, times I’ve cried over this process and the hurt it can bring to put yourself out there as a fat woman in the dating world.

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