addendum on avoidance

Hm. Well, I feel a little bit funny about my last post. I got some really nice comments – thanks, everyone – but I think I might have left a different impression than the one I intended.

Here are some things I didn’t mean to say: I didn’t mean that I could only be beautiful if I lost weight – or even that I want to lose weight. I didn’t mean that I was rethinking fat acceptance or Health at Every Size. I didn’t literally mean that I thought Writer Guy only likes me because I’d managed to fool him about my size – or that I would be crushed if it turned out that he didn’t like me all that much.

What I really meant to talk about was the unreasonable distrust I have of men who are attracted to me. My instinctive reaction is to just not believe them. To think that I must be missing something, there must be something wrong with them, that the other shoe is going to drop. I know it’s crazy. I know it’s unfair. I know that it’s all about what’s going on in my head, not theirs. Most of all, I know that I have to take people at their words and stop putting my neuroses in their mouths.

Poor Writer Guy. He has no idea what he’s getting himself into.


4 responses to “addendum on avoidance

  1. It’s not easy to trust people, especially when you’ve been hurt before. Even when I was thinner, I had a hard time figuring out why men wanted to go out with me (self-esteem issues much?). I waited until I was 53 to get married, mainly because it took me that long to find the right man (actually, he found me). It took me a lot of years to figure out that it wasn’t mainly my body that men were interested in, it was also my mind, my sense of humor, my independence, and all the other facets of my personality that they liked (and most of them liked my body too, no matter what size it was). People still have to prove themselves to me before I will totally trust them, but that’s 54 years of life experiences talking, not insecurity anymore. It takes time to build that sense of worth for yourself and to learn to trust yourself as well.

  2. I just stumbled here from SP and have to tell you that this post just SO resonates for me. I completely get that mindset. It sounds like my own internal monologue, actually.

    And I just have to tell you, though really I’m telling myself as much as I’m telling you…that last comment about what Writer Guy is “getting himself into to.” Dude, try not to even go there. He’s a grown-up who, theoretically speaking, knows perfectly well what he’s getting himself to. You sound like a great girl, and a total catch. The question is not what he’s getting himself into, but what are *you* getting out of it?

    I wanted to say too that I applaud your willingness to articulate this. I think more women than you’d realize share the same sort of mindset. Please keep sharing your stories!

  3. Hey, riddlebiddle. I’m sorry it’s taken me a few days to respond. I’m glad you came out of the shadows and commented!

    Your reminder – to pay attention, instead, to what I’m getting myself into – is embarrassingly useful. I’m like a teenager in this respect: so concerned about whether the boy likes me that I sometimes forget to wonder if I like the boy.

  4. riddlebiddle

    Oh, no embarrassment on your own blog! Again, you just reminded me so much of myself when you said that. It was hard not to jump in and tell you what I wish someone would remind me of. You sound like you’re doing super…just keep staying true to yourself.

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