crazy gone nuts

You know how I said I wish I had an excuse for breaking it off with A?

I kinda do.

It’s not that I’m seeing someone else. But there is someone else, and I’m kinda crazy about him.

This is not going to happen, him and me. It’s complicated, and there’s nothing about it that’s changing any time soon. In the mean time, I’m driven to distraction by it, by him, by myself.

Here’s the thing: Over the past few months, I’ve realized that I’m Ready To Get Married. I want to. I maybe even kinda want kids. (Whoa, nelly! That’s so not something I expected.) A couple months ago a friend, a friend who had just fallen crazy in love, said that we spend all our time trying to find the right person when what we should be doing is becoming the right person. That’s not a major insight, it’s nothing I hadn’t heard before, but this time is resonated, and I realized that I am. I’m the right person. I’m ready.

(The kid thing, that came up in a different conversation. Another friend, talking about running a school – she was a principal – said that she learned everything she needed to know about running a heart-centered school by being a mother, and I thought Oh. Maybe the reason you have children is not that you’ve dreamed about babies all your life, but because having children changes you, opens your eyes to new ideas, makes you a different and more whole-hearted person than you were before.)

And this guy? God, who knows. We’re not together, I don’t know, who knows how things would turn out if life took that turn. But he’s a marvelous man. He embodies the kind of life I’m learning to lead. He’s committed to the things I’m committed to, he holds my gaze when we talk, he’s filled with peace and he fills me with peace, and he’s kind, and he’s so thoughtful about himself, the world, me, everyone, and, and, and.